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Things Women Never Say

• You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.
• That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch pornos again?
• The new girl in my office is a stripper, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
• While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.
• Bar food again?? Kick ass
• I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.
• That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.
• I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.
• I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentines day !
• Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.
• It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.
• Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare ass!
• I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.
• Damn! I love it when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch.
• You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya big silly.
• You are so much smarter than my father.
• If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch SportsCenter.