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GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION

Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in L.A., you
may not have realized that the California Department of Motor
Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test
solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area. Here it is below:

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name: __________________________

Stage name: __________________________

Agent's Name: _________________________

Attorney's Name: _________________________

Actual Age: _____ Admitted Age: ______

Sex: [ ] male [ ] female
[ ] formerly male [ ] formerly female
[ ] both [ ] neither

If female, indicate breast implant size: _______

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely
operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes [ ] No [ ]

Occupation:
[ ] Lawyer
[ ] Actor/Waiter
[ ] Film-maker/Self-employed
[ ] Writer
[ ] Car Dealer
[ ] Pan-handler
[ ] Agent
[ ] Hooker/Transvestite
[ ] Other (please explain): ___________________________

Please list brand of cell phone: __________________________
(If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skin-head
Men: Please list shade of hair plugs ___________________

Please indicate if you have Automobile Insurance:
[ ] Yes [ ] No
If Yes, please explain:

Please check activities you perform while driving
(Check all that apply):
[ ] Eating a wrap
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Reading a book or other Newspaper

Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers, _____
b) and how many times you expect to be shot at while driving
____.

If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
a) [ ] Call the police to report the crime;
b) [ ] Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch
your TV;
c) [ ] Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against
cellular phone company for 911 call not going through;
d) [ ] Call your therapist;
e) [ ] None of the above (South Central residents only).

Please indicate if you drive:
a) [ ] a BMW,
b) [ ] a Lexus,
c) [ ] a Mercedes,
d) [ ] a Cabriolet.

If your answer is d, please add 6 to 8 weeks to normal delivery
time for your driver's license.

In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) [ ] stop your car
b) [ ] keep driving and hope for the best,
c) [ ] immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones,
or d) [ ] pull out your video camera and obtain footage for
Channel 4?

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) [ ] never drive over 5 MPH,
b) [ ] drive twice as fast as usual, or
c) [ ] you're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
(Check all that apply.)
a) [ ] Prozac;
b) [ ] Zovirax;
c) [ ] Lithium;
d) [ ] Zanax.
If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) [ ] 1 hour;
b) [ ] 2 hours;
c) [ ] 3 hours;
d) [ ] 4 hours or more.
If under 1 hour, please explain:

When stopped by police, should you
a) [ ] pull over and have your driver's license and insurance
form ready,
b) [ ] try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the
405,
c) [ ] have video camera ready and provoke them to attack,
thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?

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Humor and other Interesting Stuff from the Net

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION