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Aircraft Maintenace

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense
of humor. Here are some actual maintenance squawks (AKA
complaints and problems) alledgedly submitted by Quantas Pilots
to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks,
maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action
taken to solve the pilots squawks. (P = The problem logged by the
pilot; S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P - Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S - Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P - #2 propellar seeping prop fluid
S - #2 propellar seepage normal -- #1,3,and 4
propellars lack normal seepage.

P - Something loose in cockpit.
S - Something tightened in cockpit.

P - Dead bugs on windshield.
S - Live bugs on backorder.

P - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a
200-fpm descent.
S - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S - Evidence removed.

P - DME volume unbelievably loud.
S - Volume set to more believable level.

P - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S - That's what they are there for!

P - IFF inoperative
S - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P - Suspected crack in windscreen.
S - Suspect you're right.

P - Number 3 engine missing.
S - Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P - Aircraft handles funny.
S - Aircraft warned to "Straighten Up, Fly Right,
and Be Serious"

P - Target radar hums.
S - Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P - Mouse in cockpit.
S - Cat installed.